Today is one fricking cold day. How cold is it, you ask?

This is hog-killing weather.   (???? That’s a weird one.)
There’s only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it’s down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger’s knee.
Cold as a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-wife’s heart.
Cold as a cast-iron commode.
Cold as a banker’s heart.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.

Just to name a few.

And, until this weekend, it has been so warm this winter that my kalanchoe plant is blooming!

COLD IN TEXAS

Sure, I realize that my Canadian, Montanan, Washington state, and Wisconsin friends are rolling their eyes. But you don’t understand. At four in the afternoon, it is 25 degrees at the ranch. Icicles are hanging off the bird feeders and are not melting. And, when the wind blows, the leaves on the live oak tree make a tinkling sound.

For context, please understand that the daily high temperatures in January in Austin (the closest big city to my ranch) increase by 2°F, from 62°F to 64°F, rarely falling below 45°F or exceeding 76°F. The lowest daily average high temperature is 61°F on January 5. Daily low temperatures are around 43°F, rarely falling below 30°F or exceeding 58°F. The lowest daily average low temperature is 43°F on January 6.

Who knew?

PREPARATIONS FOR THE COLD

This type of weather is so rare that it’s been the talk of the state all week. Several days before the frozen popsicle event commenced, my daughter called to see if I had winterized. Understand that I have a pier-and-beam house, and that the water pipes run under it. While they are wrapped, we still have to wrap the exterior faucets, remove the water hoses, secure the water capture system, and bring in the plants. When I told her I hadn’t, she lectured me and shamed me into hiring someone to prep.

He had few plants to bring into the house because I had killed so many through neglect. (We’ve been in drought and I am loath to water.) Fortunately, he cut a stack of firewood so I can stay cozy in my office cabin. Sadly, he was unable to start the generator, and that worries me. The big fear around here is ice breaking the branches and cutting off the electricity. While the wood burning stove keeps my office warm, the fireplace in the big house won’t take care of all the rooms. At least, living in the country, I have plenty of wood that is already cut and ready.

And, never fear. As a former Girl Scout, I am good at cooking over an open fire. I will not starve because I own a manual can opener.

DURING THE COLD

There are all sorts of jokes about us Texans not knowing how to drive in the snow. Truth is, most of us are not stupid enough to try. My driveway is iced over, and I am not idiot enough to venture out in my four-wheel-drive Jeep.

Instead, I just stocked up with food for the weekend and plenty of wine, beer, and spirits to tide me over. The only problem I have right now is that the water is turned off in the cabin, and I can’t wash my split-pea soup bowl.

LAST THOUGHTS ON THE COLD

I’m going to mosey on over to the big house, drip the water faucets, pop open a cold beer, consume a warm chicken pot pie, and see you on the other side of this crazy fricking cold day.

Sign up on www.mariewatts.com to receive future Stories About Life delivered to your email address or read more stories by clicking here.