I’ve had to work on not being defensive lately. Perceived attacks seem to come out of nowhere. Whether it’s loved ones pointing out my failures or the man who photographed me exercising my right to free speech and saying I’m wasting my time, I’m feeling targeted. (Yes, dear readers, these things have happened to me this month.)

The Gottman Institute defines defensiveness as “self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.” Many of us become defensive when we’re criticized.

 IS BEING DEFENSIVE BAD?

Not necessarily. Defending ourselves is how our brain is set up to work. When we feel attacked, the amygdala (a part of our brain) kicks in and triggers a fight, flight, or freeze reaction. If we didn’t, the saber-toothed tigers would have eaten us all a long time ago.

A couple of other human tendencies help push our defensive button. We like to be right and, at times, even if we are wrong, look for ways to prove we are right. We also crave living in a certain, predictable world in which we are in control.

 WHAT BEHAVIORS INDICATE WE ARE BEING DEFENSIVE?

When someone says something we perceive as an attack, we behave in ways designed to reduce our discomfort. We may:

• Stop listening or end the conversation.
• Walk away, hang up the phone, or slam the door.
• Make excuses about what you are being criticized for.
• Blame the other person for the criticism.
• Accuse the other person of similar behavior.
• Try to justify your actions.
• Bring up past mistakes of the other person to avoid discussing the current issue.
• Tell the other person how they should or should not feel.

 HOW CAN WE HANDLE THE FEELINGS OF BEING DEFENSIVE?

First, learn to monitor your behavior quickly. Am I being defensive? What am I feeling? Don’t act impulsively on those feelings.

Then search for a solution to the problem. One size does not fit all. One of my favorites is Kenny Rogers’ song:

“You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,

Know when to walk away and know when to run.”

Once you’ve sorted through things, decide how you need to respond. If you have contributed, apologize and look for a solution. My preferred solutions are win-win ones. We can’t control how other people behave, so if they feel there is something in it for them, they’re more likely to implement the solution.

If you need to, defend yourself in a healthy way. Let the individual know how what they are saying makes you feel. Communicate with “I” phrases. Have a measured, assertive voice; don’t fly off the handle. Stay on topic and don’t bring out the knapsack of past grievances and dump them on the other person.

 AM I MAKING OTHERS DEFENSIVE?

If you start to realize others are becoming defensive when you speak to them, maybe it’s time to examine how you are communicating. Adopt a tone of treating others with dignity and respect, and avoid being judgmental. Make a request of them rather than complaining about how they behave. Look for a win-win way to handle the problem. Also, be willing to admit your part in the problem, if there is one.

 LAST THOUGHTS ON BEING DEFENSIVE

I’m great at telling everyone else how to communicate and behave with emotional intelligence. Unfortunately, I don’t always remember what I preach and, rather than looking for a solution, I unravel into self-pity and hopelessness.

OK. Time to re-read this, give myself a kick in the rear, and get back to negotiating with those around me.

I’d love it if you’d join me!

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