Selling your poop as a way to keep your head above water in this devastating economy? Really? And I thought selling farts was bizarre.

WARNING:

IT MAY BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH TO CONTINUE READING

SECOND WARNING:

IF YOU BELIEVE THIS IS TOO MUCH INFORMATION (TMI)—STOP READING NOW!

Those who wish to continue into the world of wacky, please bear with me.

SELLING POOP IS BIG BUSINESS

Turns out that fecal microbiota products are in high demand. Let me put this in easy to understand words: our intestinal tracts have lots of microorganisms. People who lack healthy microorganisms are given ones from healthy individuals. Ie: transplants.

HOW BIG A BUSINESS IS HUMAN POOP?

According to Strategic Market Research: The Global Fecal Microbiota Transplants (FMT) Market is poised to witness a robust CAGR (compound annual growth rate) of approximately 18.0% , valued at USD 1.2 billion in 2024, and projected to reach USD 3.0 billion by 2030, according to Strategic Market Research. FMT, also referred to as stool transplantation, is an emerging therapeutic approach designed to restore healthy gut microbiota by transferring fecal material from healthy donors to patients suffering from microbiome-related disorders, particularly recurrent Clostridioides difficile infection (rCDI).

Who knew?

GETTING INTO THE POOP BUSINESS

Duh! If you’re going to get into the poop business, you first have to be able to poop. But, if you suffer from the Big C (constipation), how in the world can you sell what’s being held back?

Inquiring minds want to know so I’ll tell you: constipation is defined as fewer than three bowel movements a week, hard stool, or difficulty passing stool.

Dr. Trisha Pasricha, MD. has a suggestion:

Constipation Cookies

Makes 12 cookies

Ingredients

• ¾ cup (190 grams) unsweetened applesauce
• 2 tablespoons maple syrup
• 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed meal
• 1 tablespoon psyllium husk
• ½ cup (52 grams) almond flour
• ½ cup (45 grams) old-fashioned rolled oats
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• ½ teaspoon baking powder

Directions

• Position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees. Line a large sheet pan with parchment paper.
• In a medium bowl, stir together the applesauce, maple syrup, oil, flaxseed meal and psyllium husk until well combined. Add the almond flour, oats, cinnamon and baking powder, and stir until well combined.
• Divide the dough into 12 equal portions. Using your hands, shape each portion into a circle and place on the prepared sheet pan, gently pressing them to flatten.
• Bake for 15 to 20 minutes, or until the edges begin to turn golden brown. Let the cookies cool on the pan for 10 minutes, then transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Store the cookies in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to three days, or freeze for up to two months.

Warning: The good doctor suggests one or possibly two a day. Take with 8 to 10 ounces of water for maximum effect.

POOP PRODUCTION AND SALES

Now, you’ve hopefully revved up the production. On to sales, right? Hmmm. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be. My AI friend, Perplexity, had this to say about stories of getting paid to poop:

• Acceptance is selective. In 2015, reporting on OpenBiome said only about 4% of prospective donors passed screening. Its much-repeated $13,000-a-year figure assumed frequent qualifying donations and bonuses; it is a historical figure, not a current offer.
• Screening is medically consequential. The FDA has documented serious infections linked to stool-bank material and required additional donor testing and quarantine safeguards. Even approved Vowst carries a potential risk of transmitting infectious agents despite screening.
• The business has changed. OpenBiome says it stopped supplying clinical treatments after the FDA ended the enforcement-discretion arrangement under which its stool bank operated. Older articles directing people to sell stool to OpenBiome therefore do not describe its current clinical business.

According to goodnature, however, you can make money and save lives–a win-win proposition.

LAST THOUGHTS ABOUT POOP

Not to be deterred as I need money badly to buy diesel for my tractor, I made the cookies and ate one right away. As I write this, I’m still waiting for it to work. Meanwhile, I’m off to the convenience store to score a lottery ticket. I’ll probably make money sooner that way than by waiting for the mother of all poops.

I’d love it if you’d join me!

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